Walter and Moony Get Divorced

Walter Egg and Sunny Moon get divorced.

By previous agreement, a clause in the contract, she takes with her half the English language. The terms of the joint custody arrangement specified that the children would use half the English vocabulary with one parent and half with the other.

Which words leave with the mother and which stay with the father has been partly predetermined based on frequency studies. She gets “the” but he gets “a.” An agreement on “insouciant” is never reached, so they agree that neither party can use it. Other words would need to be mediated.

She gets “fuck” and he gets “shit.” After some consideration she accepts “bitch” but only if he accepts both “prick” and “dickhead.” He agrees, as long as he gets “dog.” It’s a bone she throws him.

At first the kids are annoyed, but with patience, firmness, and a bit of professional counseling they adjust. Or as Moony would have to put it: “adapt.”

They were finally convinced to go along with it if they were allowed to legally change their previously hyphenated last name to just Moon and drop the Egg entirely.

The mediation was arduous (or difficult, as Walter would thereafter say). Each makes careful choices, seeking words they’d rather the other not have available — especially to the kids. Walter goes for “defensive” and “asshole.” Moony grabs “inarticulate,” “passive,” and “aggressive.” They fought over “aggressive” but she convinced him not to break up the set.

Walter agreed to “present” while Moony settled for “gift.” Moony reached for “neglect” and “abandon” but Walter saw that coming and grabbed them both. Walter offered “enough” but Moony went with “inadequate” and extended him “fed up” as compensation.

Some words they hardly haggled over. “Haggled” was obviously his. Surprisingly she accepted “nagged” without complaint. She was happy to get “exhausted” and he was fine with “tired.” She let him have “fine” and asked for “nothing” in return, though he wanted to give her “everything.”

Some words had to go with Walter and some with Moony. Clearly depriving him of “whatever” would be cruel. And Moony clearly deserved “boundaries,” which he never wanted in the first place.

There was a prolonged negotiation over “home” and “house.” They both wanted “home.” But she was staying with the kids. Children need a home. Walter was left with the house.

There was one word they decided to share. They knew in their hearts they would both need it and would need it for the many sad years to come. They would say it to their friends, their family, their kids, to themselves alone in bed at night. And in time they would say it to each other.

“Sorry.”